i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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