I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
