Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
