Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
