The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
