He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
this beer tastes like vomit already
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
