I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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