Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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