hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
