90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
