the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
did i walk over a car last night?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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