If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
