Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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