When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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