No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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