Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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