a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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