I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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