i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
