How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
