none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
