Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
