Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
