i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
