I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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