"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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