my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
