I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
