how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
as a side note pls kill me
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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