If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
