At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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