watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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