swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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