You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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