the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
