Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
