I think I died a long time ago.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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