Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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