Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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