on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
