this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I can't turn off my feet"
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
