Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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