Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
