dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
