there's paper in my vomit.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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