I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
