she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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