I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
