The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
