Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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