This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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