dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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