i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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