Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
