Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Randomize
